just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
