90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize
