I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Randomize
