it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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