She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
