God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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