But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
