I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
