she smelled like a LAN party
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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