I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
