You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
