The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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