Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
