it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
