On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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