Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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