I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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