what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
