I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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