Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
