ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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