Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
