the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
