You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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