totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
