I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
