Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
