i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
