Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
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