Do you still have your period?
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
