he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
