I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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