His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
