How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
