Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
