Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
