you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
