I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
