Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Randomize
