btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
