i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
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