We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
