He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Randomize
