I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
