I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
