I wish I could punch you in the face.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
