the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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