OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
