Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
