I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
