I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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